“Grand , thanks “- how I stopped drinking wine
The cost of wine was soaring too high, and not just the price.
Grand! If you’re not Irish you might not understand the all-encompassing adjective that is grand. It can mean anything on a scale of absolutely fabulous to utterly abysmal. It’s one of the best words we Irish have to avoid talking about ourselves.
How are you? Grand (translation: I may disappear into a void of desperation at any moment, if I don’t burst out crying first).
Sleep ok? Grand yeah (translation: I think I might actually die from the anxiety that woke me at 3.33am and I’m so twitchy I jump through the roof if someone drops a fork).
How was your weekend? Grand thanks, you? (translation: I swore I’d take it easy, but I finished that bottle of red, when I knew I had an early start today and now all I can think about is having a glass of wine to feel better and fall into a deep dreamless sleep for the rest of the week…). Grand.
People everywhere are so ill-equipped to talk about how we feel, it’s no wonder we numb with Netflix and wine. We’re so unaccustomed to being vulnerable, it’s no wonder we numb with Instagram and cocktails. When I first met my husband, I remember one of my best friends joking “I’d better get to meet this man before Susan drives him away, haha”. Ouch. So, I decided on a concerted effort to be open. I thought it was going well as I shared about myself and my life, and then about 6 months in he said, “Ya know, even if I never get to know you, I’m really having a wonderful time”. Ouch, ouch, ouch.
It’s one of the best words we Irish have to avoid talking about ourselves.
Twenty odd years later, we’re still together, and I’m (we’re) still working on it. It’s work-work. When I stopped drinking, I was forced again to get to know myself in a whole new way. It’s not easy living with yourself when you’re practically a stranger. I never actually sat with myself for more than the time it took to get bored or twitchy. I could not be with my thoughts. Alcohol definitely helped when it came to switching off those pesky thoughts that would float in. What better way to silence self-doubt than with a few drinks. Then, life with a semi-constant hangover will only let you be the hungover version of yourself. Life with a glass of malbec in your hand at the first opportunity, will only let you be that slightly intoxicated version of yourself. It’s hard to know what you’re really like when you’ve been keeping yourself dulled down with wine for years.
grand…
So, when I finally understood that I was far from grand, and drowning in a sea of chardonnay, it was difficult to admit that I needed help. I hadn’t been keeping my promises to myself, and I was the only one that knew. I was in distress, but was afraid to show weakness. On some level I think I was afraid I was beyond hope. Afterall, only alcoholics couldn’t stop drinking…
My doctor was literally no help, and it took a little while to find the online alcohol-free world. I read everything I could. I listened to all the podcasts, and I even took a course. The most astounding thing was people there were saying things like “this is hard”, “I messed up again” and “I don’t know how I got here…”. I was dumbfounded - they said these things out loud? Vulnerability 101.
That’s when I lifted - very gradually! - the weight of it off my shoulders. I’d been carrying a backpack full of little pebbles of shame, stones of regret and lately rocks of despair, on my back. Every little promise to myself broken added a weight to my load. Every hangover filled it up. It was just too heavy to carry any more.
So I did quit drinking – and here’s how it finally happened. First I learned everything I could to understand why it felt so difficult. When I understood, I found people who were facing the same challenge, then I listened to them tell their stories. When I understood that we were all the same vulnerable humans, then I became vulnerable myself. When I became easier with vulnerability, then I was able to set down my all or nothing forever goal of being perfect. I learned to learn from my failures instead of giving up. Then, I was willing and able to feel what it’s like to get alcohol out of your body. And then I became excited about living without it.
Everything I’d created for myself so far, had been despite alcohol, not because of it. When the booze went, I was able to care for my life and myself like never before. I haven’t revamped my life or made drastic changes - but how I live it is unrecognisable. Living an alcohol-free life has made me love my life in a way I never thought possible.
And that’s why I coach other women on doing the same - we all deserve to love our life, and alcohol will only hold us back. It starts with learning to take a break from alcohol, and learning how to stop drinking wine for and with everything life brings.